Do you struggle with energy? Do you feel drained everyday? Your energy comes from your iron, protein, and other things. We can take supplements for our iron, protein, and take energy shots, but sometimes it might not actually be anything to do with our body! With clients I try and heal the emotional along with the physical, so that healing can take place quicker. When I have someone struggling with energy, there are natural things to get their energy up, but did you know that toxic relationships can actually drain your energy too? It might actually be the people we have in our lives that are sucking the energy from us.
Actually, the biggest energy drain is our relationships, especially toxic ones
“Givers have to learn to set limits because takers don’t have any.”
Some people excite you and give you energy and some drain you. The emotional relationships you have in your life are very important to look at, to see if you have any of these five toxic personalities close around you, in your everyday life.
This changed my life. In first reading this, I was checking to see if I was any of these things to make sure I was not toxic to those around me. Then I realized that I have dealt with and have all five of these types in my life. I could never put a finger on what they actually did in my life, or why I was having such a hard time. And I had to figure out the hard way how to handle them. I wish I had read and known these things when I was younger.
If you find out that you are surrounding yourself with any of these, they are probably draining you in some way. Maybe you are even living with one of these toxic personalities. Either way, there are some suggestions on how to handle each toxic personality type.
I am excited to share this with you so that it might bless you, and hopefully sooner than later
It is said, you become like the five people that you hang out with the most. It is important that these relationships do not drain you. If you are always tired, look into the emotional relationships in your life. Look at those that you choose to surround yourself with and see if they are any of these, because if there are, they are draining you.
First read through them and see if you are any of these:
- This personality pulls you down with their “poor me” attitude. The world is against them and it is the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems they say “Yes but….”. Eventually, you might end up screening their calls or purposely avoiding them. As a friend, you may want to help, but their tales of woe overwhelm you. They do not want to fix anything and only complain.
- These people obsessively try to control you and dictate how you are supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything. They will control you by invalidating your emotions when they do not fit into their own rulebook. Often their sentences start with “you know what you need?” and then they proceed to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned, or put down.
- Their motto is “me first”. Everything is all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention, and crave admiration. They are dangerous because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you do not do things their way, they become punishing, withholding, or cold.
- These people are not interested in your feelings. They are only concerned with themselves. You may wait for an opening to get a word in edgewise but it never comes. They turn everything you say into something about them. Or they might physically move in so close that they are practically breathing on you. You edge backward, but they step closer.
- These people have a flair to make small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. For an example: Sarah was exhausted when she hired a new employee who was always late. One week he had the flu and “almost died”. Next, his car was towed, again! Each time this employee left her office, Sarah felt tried and used. They blow things up much bigger than they need to be or are. Something will always be wrong in their life, like they attract it.
Now that you have read them, honestly see if you do any of these things. It is difficult because if YOU are the toxic personality, you will NEVER see it this way. Ask those around you how you affect them or if you are any of these and listen to what they say. If none of these are you, check to see if they are anyone in your life that you surround yourself with.
Now that you have those answers what to you do about it?
Here is what each of those toxic personalities are and the solution to handle them. Some people we can not simply cut out of lives. But that does not mean we have to be hurt by them over and over. We all have to learn how to hug those “porcupines” in our lives, we have to learn how to deal with them, and from this we will grow and be able to handle relationships better.
- The Victim. How to protect yourself: Set kind but firm limits. Listen briefly to the friend or relative but then say, “I love to listen to you, but I can only listen for a few minutes unless you want to discuss solutions.” With a co-worker, sympathize by saying “I’ll keep having good thoughts for things to work out” Then add, “I hope you understand, but I’m on a deadline and must return to work.” You set the limits of how much you can listen, do not just put the phone on mute and set it aside!
- The Controller. How to protect yourself: The secret to success is to never try to control a controller. Be healthily assertive, but do not tell them what to do. You can say, “I value your advice, but really need to work thorough this myself.” Be confident and do not play the victim yourself.
- The Narcissist. How to protect yourself: Keep your expectations realistic. These are emotionally limited people. Try not to fall in love with one or expect them to be selfless or to love without strings attached. Never make your self-worth dependent on them. And never confide your deepest feelings to them, they will use them against you later. They will NEVER take responsibility for what they have done. The question to ask a narcissist is: “How can you grow or change?” The reason this works is because deep down a narcissist believes they are perfect. They will either: act bewildered or act like they do not know what you mean; or they will get angry. They never say sorry and if they do… they do not mean it. They have manipulation down to an art and always turn things back on you.
- The Constant Talker. How to protect yourself: These individuals do not respond to nonverbal cues. You must speak up and interrupt, as tough as that is to do. Listen for a few minutes, then politely say “I hate to interrupt, but I have to talk to these other people/get to and appointment/go to the bathroom” If this is a family member, politely say, “I’d love if you allowed me some time to talk to so I can add to the conversation” If you say this neutrally, it can be heard much better. These people seem to think that what they have to say is the only thing that is important. Now matter what you add or say they can always somehow manage to turn the conversation back to them.
- The Drama Queen (or King). How to protect yourself: A drama queen can not draw energy from equanimity. Stay calm and take a few deep breaths. This will help you not get caught up in their chaos. Set kind but firm limits. Say, for example, “you must be here on time to keep your job. I’m sorry for all your mishaps, but work comes first.” Do not add to their drama. Stay detached from fixing their life and let them handle it.
These personality traits can not be passed down through DNA, meaning, it is not genetic. This is something that is LEARNED
This means that they CAN change, you CAN change. These traits are learned through environment or experience. Whatever it is that shaped them to be this way, it is not an EXCUSE. They still must take ownership in order for change to occur. I personally believe that “you can teach and old dog new tricks!”
Boundaries are a must for these toxic personalities that you can not cut out of your life. You can be cordial but that does not mean you have to hang out with them or to talk to them all the time. Set limits and boundaries and be firm. If you can cut them out then it is probably best to move on and thank them for the lesson they have taught you.
If you are dealing with a lot of these there is another book or post you might want to look at called- How to Hug a Porcupine. I adapted this information from this article I found: The 5 worst Types Of Emotional Vampires if you want to read that. The first step is awareness!