We all have porcupines in our life. Those people who seem to “quill” us every time we get close. The book How to Hug a Porcupine by Dr. John Lewis Lund was recommended to me several years ago, and it made a huge difference in my life.
There are some relationships we can not run away from. Some people we can not just cut out of our lives. Plus, if there is a lesson you need to learn from that person, the universe will simply bring another person right back into your life until you learn that damn lesson… Ah, one of the joys of life.
What Are the Porcupines in Our Life?
This book is mainly about the different types of toxic personalities and the varying degrees of them. The root of a toxic personality is that the person is emotionally unhealthy. The book teaches you how to identify the porcupines, and more importantly, how to be around them without getting quilled.
Toxic personalities have the ability to create toxic behavior in the people around them. That is why it is so important to notice if you are surrounding yourself with porcupines. If you want to learn how to recognize the five main types, read my post on toxic relationships.
What the Book Covers
- Marriage: If you are married to a porcupine, there is a great chapter on how to handle it. Not sure if your spouse is one? There is a quiz you can take!
- A plan: It walks you through what you can do and how to make a plan to have a healthy relationship with them.
- Children: Children can develop toxic personalities too, and it is best to recognize it early. There is a lot of good information on respect, responsibility and criticism.
- Stories: It has some amazing stories and examples, so you can fully grasp what you need to do.
- If it is you: If you are the toxic personality and want to change, there is a whole chapter dedicated to the steps you can take.
How to Armor Yourself Against Porcupines in Our Life
The most important purpose of the book is teaching you how to “armor” yourself against toxic personalities. The bulk of handling these personalities is working on yourself first. Here are the ways the book teaches you to armor yourself, with a few thoughts on how I think about each one:
- Realistic goals. You can not change another person. Set goals for what you can control, which is you.
- Healthy expectations. Expect them to act like who they are, not who you wish they were. Less disappointment, less hurt.
- Healthy responses. Choose how you respond instead of reacting. A calm answer takes away the fuel.
- How to handle frustration. Have a plan for when they push your buttons, like a deep breath, a walk or a pause before answering.
- Setting boundaries. Decide ahead of time what you will and will not accept, and hold that line kindly but firmly.
- Let go of “pleasing.” You will never please a porcupine enough, so stop trying.
- Staying in control of your emotions. When you lose control, they gain it. Stay grounded in who you are.
- When is enough, enough? Know your limit before you reach it.
- Having an exit plan. Know how you will leave a conversation, a visit or a situation before it starts.
- Limiting interaction. Less time together means fewer quills. You can love someone from a distance.
- Leaving the room if necessary. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is walk away and come back later.
Learning to Hug Instead of Run
Porcupines are not all bad. They are often hurting, and they teach us some of our biggest lessons about patience, boundaries and self-worth. When we learn to armor ourselves, we can stay close to the people we love without getting hurt over and over. If you have porcupines in your life, I highly recommend this book. It is one of those that I wish I had read much sooner.
For more on the difference between controlling someone and lovingly guiding them, see my post on control vs govern.
