Do you struggle with energy? Do you feel drained every day? We usually look at iron, protein, sleep or energy shots, and those things matter. But sometimes low energy has nothing to do with our body at all. With clients I try to heal the emotional along with the physical so healing can happen quicker, and one thing I always look at is relationships. Toxic relationships can drain your energy just as much as a poor diet. It might be the people in our lives that are sucking the energy right out of us.
“Givers have to learn to set limits because takers don’t have any.”
How Toxic Relationships Drain Your Energy
Actually, I believe the biggest energy drain in our lives is our relationships, especially the toxic ones. Some people light you up and give you energy, and some people leave you exhausted. That is why it is so important to look at the emotional relationships closest to you and see if any of the five toxic personalities below are part of your everyday life.
It is said that you become like the five people you spend the most time with. If you are always tired, look at who you are choosing to surround yourself with. If any of them fit these types, they are probably draining you in some way. You might even be living with one.
Learning this changed my life. When I first read about these types, I checked to make sure I was not any of them, so I was not toxic to the people around me. Then I realized I had dealt with all five of these types in my life. I could never put my finger on what they were doing or why things felt so hard, and I had to figure out the hard way how to handle them. I wish I had known these things when I was younger, so I am excited to share this with you, so it might bless you sooner than later.
First, Honestly Check Yourself
As you read through the five types, first see if you are any of them. This is the hard part, because if YOU are the toxic personality, you will most likely NEVER see it that way. Ask the people around you how you affect them, and really listen to what they say. If none of these fit you, then look at the people you spend your time with.
The 5 Toxic Personality Types
1. The Victim
The Victim pulls you down with a “poor me” attitude. The world is against them and that is why they are unhappy. When you offer a solution, the answer is always “Yes, but….” Over time you might start screening their calls or avoiding them. As a friend you want to help, but their stories of woe overwhelm you. They do not actually want to fix anything, they just want to complain.
2. The Controller
The Controller obsessively tries to tell you how to be and how to feel. They have an opinion about everything. They control by invalidating your emotions when your feelings do not fit their rulebook. Their sentences often start with “You know what you need?” and then they tell you. Around them you feel dominated, demeaned or put down.
3. The Narcissist
The Narcissist lives by “me first.” Everything is about them. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement, they hog attention, and they crave admiration. They can be very hurtful because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you do not do things their way, they become punishing, withholding or cold.
4. The Constant Talker
The Constant Talker is not interested in your feelings, only in themselves. You wait for an opening to get a word in, but it never comes. Everything you say gets turned into something about them. Some even move in so close they are practically breathing on you. You step back, and they step closer.
5. The Drama Queen (or King)
The Drama Queen has a flair for turning small incidents into off-the-chart dramas. Picture an employee who is always late: one week they had the flu and “almost died,” the next their car got towed, again. Every conversation leaves you feeling tired and used. Things get blown up much bigger than they are, and something is always wrong in their life, almost like they attract it.
How to Protect Yourself in Toxic Relationships
Now that you know the types, what do you do about it? Some people we simply can not cut out of our lives. But that does not mean we have to be hurt by them over and over. We all have to learn how to hug the “porcupines” in our lives. As we learn how to deal with them, we grow and get better at handling all of our relationships. Here is how to handle each one.
The Victim: Set Kind but Firm Limits
Listen briefly, then say something like, “I love listening to you, but I can only listen for a few minutes unless you want to talk about solutions.” With a co-worker you can sympathize, “I’ll keep having good thoughts that things work out,” and then add, “I hope you understand, but I’m on a deadline and need to get back to work.” You decide how much you can listen. No putting the phone on mute and setting it aside!
The Controller: Never Try to Control a Controller
The secret is to never try to control a controller. Be healthily assertive, but do not tell them what to do. You can say, “I value your advice, but I really need to work through this myself.” Be confident, and do not slip into playing the victim yourself.
The Narcissist: Keep Your Expectations Realistic
These are emotionally limited people. Try not to fall in love with one, or expect them to be selfless or to love without strings attached. Never make your self-worth depend on them, and never confide your deepest feelings to them, because they can use them against you later. They will rarely, if ever, take responsibility for what they have done.
The question to ask a narcissist is, “How can you grow or change?” Deep down a narcissist believes they are perfect, so they will usually either act confused, like they do not know what you mean, or they will get angry. They rarely say sorry, and when they do, it often is not sincere. They can be very skilled at manipulation and turning things back on you.
The Constant Talker: Speak Up and Interrupt
These individuals do not respond to nonverbal cues, so you have to speak up and interrupt, as tough as that is. Listen for a few minutes, then politely say, “I hate to interrupt, but I need to talk to these other people,” or “I need to get to an appointment,” or even “I need to run to the bathroom.” With a family member you can say, “I’d love it if you gave me some time to talk, so I can add to the conversation.” Said in a neutral tone, this is heard much better. No matter what you say, they will try to bring the conversation back to them, so be ready to repeat yourself kindly.
The Drama Queen: Stay Calm and Do Not Add Fuel
A drama queen can not draw energy from someone who stays calm. Take a few deep breaths so you do not get pulled into their chaos. Set kind but firm limits, for example, “You need to be here on time to keep your job. I’m sorry for all your mishaps, but work comes first.” Do not add to the drama, and stay detached from fixing their life. Let them handle it.
These Patterns Can Change
I believe these personality patterns are mostly LEARNED, shaped by our environment and our experiences. That means they CAN change, and you CAN change. Whatever shaped someone to be this way, it is not an EXCUSE. They still have to take ownership for change to happen. I personally believe you can teach an old dog new tricks!
Boundaries Are a Must in Toxic Relationships
Boundaries are a must with toxic personalities you can not cut out of your life. You can be cordial, but that does not mean you have to hang out with them or talk to them all the time. Set your limits and be firm. If you can cut them out, it is probably best to move on and thank them for the lesson they taught you.
If a relationship ever feels unsafe, or involves threats, intimidation or abuse, please reach out for help. In the US you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline any time, day or night.
If you are dealing with a lot of these personalities, read my post on the book How to Hug a Porcupine. The five types in this post are adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s work on emotional vampires, and you can read more from her in Who’s the Emotional Vampire in Your Life? Remember, the first step out of toxic relationships is awareness!
