Controlling is one of the three negative roots that all decisions can come from. The other two are judgement and fear. One day I was thinking, how does that apply to children? They need parenting and teaching, but is that controlling them? Then the word “govern” came to my mind. We do not want to control our children, but they do need governing and guiding. When you look at control vs govern, these two words have vastly different meanings.
What Is the Difference Between Control vs Govern?
It is a fine line, and only careful awareness will keep governing from crossing over into controlling. Becoming aware of the difference between the two is the first step.
Controlling is taking away another person’s free will, their agency, their power to choose. This is a very tender and important principle to understand. I talk about it more in my post on the power of agency. Scripture teaches that we are “free to choose” (2 Nephi 2:27), and that freedom is a gift we should protect in others too.
Why Controlling Does Not Work
Controlling, manipulating, and getting someone to do what YOU want, even if it is a good thing or what you think is right, will not bring the positive outcome you want for their life. Even if it is your own children. Why? Because in their heart they are not making that decision for themselves, they are doing it for you. And that does not bring them salvation or any lasting good. Usually when we control, it comes from our own fears and judgements.
These three, control, fear and judgement, are tied together and feed each other. When you catch yourself trying to control, stop and ask, “What am I afraid of right now?” or “What am I judging?” Often the answer shows that the real issue is in us, not them.
The Key: Teach Understanding
The only way to help someone make the choices you wish they would make is to teach them Understanding.
Teach them the why of things, and give them the understanding to make that choice themselves. That way they will want to make the choice, and it will stick. They make the decision on their own, in their own heart, with their free will. Their agency stays intact.
This is the way that brings about a change that will LAST.
Control vs Govern With Our Children
Free will is something we steal from people quite often, without even realizing it. So how do we apply this to children?
When they are young, it IS our parental responsibility to govern them and teach them about choices and life. Governing looks like:
- Letting them find out what they like and do not like.
- Giving them choices, even small ones, so they practice choosing.
- Letting them have a voice and their own feelings.
- Explaining the why behind the rules, not just the rule.
- Helping them through the experience and the consequences, instead of shielding them from every one.
As they get older, our advice becomes more of a suggestion and less of a command. At some point we do need to let them go so they can grow.
The Spirit of Understanding
The difference between control and govern is the Spirit of Understanding.
Govern them, teach them Understanding, let them make the choice, and then help them through the experience. Giving them all the knowledge they need to make the choice, and then letting them go have the experience, is governing them.
It will all be ok. We do not want our own fears and judgements to control our actions or be the reason we do things. When we govern with love instead of control, we raise children who know how to choose for themselves, and that is the whole point.
If you are dealing with someone who tries to control you, my posts on toxic relationships and porcupines in our life may help.
