Several years ago I found an essay by Mark DeNicola that called out so many of our misconceptions about love, and so much of it rang true for me. I have gone back to it again and again, and I want to keep its whole message here so I never lose it. These are his ideas, written in my own words, with my thoughts mixed in.
What stood out to me first is that there are “layers” or “levels” of love. Love, lust, pure love, like, compassion, empathy… and they show up with different people and in different seasons of our lives. A lot of what we do and call love is actually far from it. Love is an expression of the willingness to create space in which something is allowed to change. Reading this takes a healthy dose of courage and humility. He started his essay by saying he was willing to be the blunt one who tells you these things, and that you might not like him today but you would thank him tomorrow. I am a Sagittarius after all, so I agree, these things need to be said!
“I’ve never regretted giving into love… Giving into love has always provided me with the most exciting experiences I have known in my lifetime.” –Elise
Love Changes Everything, So Why Are We So Afraid of It?
There is something to be said for this thing called love. It turns our world upside down and causes us to do things we never thought we were capable of. It changes us inside and out. It reframes how we see everything. It inspires us to break our own rules, to see from another person’s point of view, and to reach levels of understanding and empathy we have never reached before. It helps us grow in ways we could not have imagined, and to see ourselves and others in a whole new way.
It is the best gift ever. And yet, so many of us are deathly afraid of it. Afraid of being vulnerable. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of loving and losing. Afraid for reasons we have never even dug deep enough to understand. We have given love all kinds of attachments and definitions that just do not belong to it.
Misconceptions About Love #1: Love Is Crazy, Painful and Irrational
We have made love out to be crazy, painful, dangerous, irrational, illogical, impractical and irresponsible. Love is actually the opposite. Love is the most logical thing we can do.
Misconceptions About Love #2: Love Means Being a Doormat
So many of us believe that loving someone means eventually becoming their doormat, putting their wants above our own needs no matter what. That is far from the truth. Love never means being a doormat, and it never means doing something that does not serve you just to put someone else first. No spiritual teacher who knows what they are talking about would teach that.
Here is the heart of it, and the line I come back to most: there is never a time when love will require you to take an action toward another person that is not also a loving action toward yourself. True love for someone else will, at the same time, be an act of love for you.
If it is not, it is not love. It is something else. It becomes action rooted in pain, guilt, fear or obligation, and none of those things are love. We have attached all of these ideas to love, but love is love and nothing else. It is that simple. To know if you are acting in love, look at the root of your intention. Love does not act to gain something or out of fear of losing something. Love simply has the courage to follow its inspiration, whatever that may be.
Misconceptions About Love #3: Holding Back Keeps You Safe
If I love you and want to show it, but I hold back because I am afraid of you knowing, afraid of losing you or scaring you off, afraid of being vulnerable or rejected, then I am acting out of fear, not love. That is when love starts to feel hard and uncomfortable. We mess with it, hide it, try to make it into something else, try to contain it, pace it and regulate it, and wrap it in a box with a pretty bow for the sake of appearances. And then we turn around and say love is the problem!
Misconceptions About Love #4: Vulnerability Is Weakness
Most of us see weakness in love instead of strength. We see vulnerability as a problem, something to avoid. Mark called this out pretty bluntly: it takes courage to love, and needing validation from outside of ourselves is what keeps us from it. We mess up love by needing other people to react to us a certain way or see us a certain way.
What would happen if you loved yourself enough to just be yourself, whoever you are, without needing anyone else’s approval? You would be authentic. You would have the courage to follow your joy. You would actually be living instead of holding back from life and love.
And you would have a much better chance at real fulfillment, because the people who are meant to matter to you will love you for who you are and appreciate your courage to be yourself. That kind of courage is not common enough. Loving yourself enough to give yourself permission to be who you are at your core, to live authentically, that is freedom. And freedom is love.
Love Begins With the Self
Love starts with self-realization and self-love. Only a person who truly loves themselves can show what it really means to love another. Love never requires you to do anything for someone that is not good for you or that you do not want to do. That is where self-love comes in.
When we value ourselves and give ourselves permission to be ourselves, we understand that we are not responsible for how another person feels about themselves, or for how they react to us. That understanding lets us make healthy choices. When you love yourself enough, you will not be manipulated into staying with someone for the wrong reasons, or into doing something you do not want to do and calling it love. Love does not do that. Here is what love does:
- Love follows the path of most joy.
- Love is authentic, and so love is courageous, daring, honest, open and expressive.
- Because love is authentic, love is freedom, and freedom is love.
- Love does not know any other way but to be itself.
Misconceptions About Love #5: Rejection Is Real
This one blew my mind. There is an illusion most of us accept as truth without even noticing it: the illusion of rejection. Yes, someone outside of you can choose not to accept you as you are. We have all had that happen. But it is an experience, and how you feel about it is what shapes it.
Think about it. Have you ever been “rejected” by someone you did not care about at all? Someone whose approval you did not need even a little bit? Did it even feel like rejection? Did you give it a second thought? Probably not. You can only be rejected when you believe you can be. At some level, we give certain people’s opinions more weight than our own.
Caring What Other People Think
We decide some people are smart, cool, worthy or valuable, and suddenly their acceptance feels like it carries weight, as if their opinion has anything to do with our own worth. Somewhere along the way, we start to value their view of us more than our own.
This happens in small ways and big ways, all the time, with everyone. It is part of being human and part of the ego we all carry. Mark was honest that he saw it in himself too, even while writing about it. And that is the point.
Ownership Comes Before Change
Ownership comes before change. None of us are exempt from the human condition. The difference awareness makes is that you start to see the feelings as they come up, what they are, and the real intentions behind your thoughts, words and actions. That awareness gives you room to choose.
When I feel the urge to do something and I am aware enough to see that it came from fear, I can stop, look at it, and make a new choice. That only comes with awareness, ownership and self-love. We are all human, but moment by moment we can shift out of old, fearful ways of thinking and into higher ways of thinking and acting.
Love Is Really Not So Complicated
If you let go of the idea that you cannot put yourself first and love another at the same time, and let go of needing validation, acceptance or a certain reaction from anyone, you can start to see love for what it really is. Love is freedom.
Letting go of these misconceptions about love opens the door. So ask yourself: Are you loving freely? Are you holding yourself back? Are you acting out of fear, or out of freedom and love? Are you being totally authentic? Have you done the work to figure out what that means for you, with your fears, preconceived ideas and obligations set aside?
Are You Ruled by Fear?
We humans are reluctant to love. We are reluctant to let go and express ourselves from the core of who we are. But being authentic is such a gift. It is one thing to have an experience and keep it bottled up inside. It is another thing to express yourself fully and know that you are understood, to see eye to eye with someone. That is one of the best gifts there is. But you cannot get there if you are holding back, if you will not allow yourself, or if fear is in charge.
So many people are ruled by fear and do not even know it. Mark put it this way: if you do not know what it is like to love with all your heart, fully, passionately and without holding back, then something is holding you back. Everyone has the capacity to love. When we slow it down, play it safe and stay extra cautious, we are choosing fear.
So is it ok to throw caution to the wind when it comes to love? His answer was YES, and here is why. Love is never without reason. If you love someone, there is a reason for it, and there is always a lesson in it. Denying yourself that experience is denying yourself. Learn to follow your heart. Let yourself. Allow yourself. Go with it.
Do Not Put Love in a Box
Sometimes the reason we love someone is not what we think it is. It is not always so that we end up together in the end, and this is good to remember with twin flames especially. It is not always so we can learn to blend together perfectly. Unconditional love does not mean loving someone forever to your own detriment. There is a balance.
Sometimes we learn unconditional love by rising above a hard situation while we are still in it, and sometimes we learn it by moving on. We are always transforming. When the lesson is done, that overwhelming feeling of love will shift too, because love does not stay for no reason. So the best way to move forward, and to move through your lessons quickly, is to give in to the love you feel without holding back.
The things you are drawn to, that you feel as love, joy, passion and excitement, are good for you, because that is how your body recognizes what is truly you. This is why following your heart is so important. You will be drawn to what is good for you in one way or another.
Dive In Headfirst
If you want to know the truth, dive in headfirst. If you want to know how someone feels about you, let them know who you are. Let them know your truth. Maybe they will feel the same way and your relationship will grow deeper, more passionate and more harmonious. Maybe they will not. Maybe they will catch up with you later. Maybe you will face a little rejection, or a lot, or none at all. Anything can happen.
One thing is for sure: once you learn the lesson, you move on to new people, new circumstances and new lessons. So do not hold back, because holding back only delays your lesson. Let yourself fall. Let yourself be authentic. Imagine two people coming together who are authentically into each other, authentically in love and open about it. That is what you want, and you cannot get there unless you are willing to go there yourself. Give yourself some grace, and some room to love.
You Are Love
Mark ended his essay with words of love I will always remember: that he would keep believing in you even when there seemed to be no reason to, because he chose to see you through the eyes of love, and he would keep being honest with you even when it was hard, because he honored you.
So honor yourself. Let yourself be who you are. Be who you are. You are love.
If this spoke to you, you might also love my posts on the 5 love languages and letting go of expectations. For a research-based look at vulnerability and courage, Brené Brown’s TED talk The Power of Vulnerability is wonderful.
